To continue my series of recipes featured within my novels, I wanted to present to you a meal that’s really simple to cook if you have fire available. But what’s great is you can try the no-bake approach as well. This recipe is great for traveling, and the cooked option keeps really well in a backpack pocket to be eaten later.
First, you need to catch a lizard. Don’t be discouraged if you find this really difficult. You’ve survived this long, so keep at it! It’s like fishing, if you’re patient, then surely something will bite eventually (unless the lake is polluted and everything died instead of mutating into poisonous man-eaters). If you start to feel faint, you better try harder to get that lizard, otherwise you might go hungry.
When you’ve managed to acquire a lizard by any means necessary, I ask you to please spare it from misery: end it quickly. We’re not barbarians here in The Wasteland, don’t act like one. Then find a stick, preferably a very thin twig because you probably caught the smallest lizard around, and jam the stick down its throat.
Next, build a fire. You can pull some siding off a house, or cut down some sagebrush (though it could leak some unhealthy toxins into your food). Old plastic can do the trick too, when in a pinch. Or you can loot an old, abandoned house. There’s plenty of those around. I like to say: “If it burns, it can cook.”
Hold the lizard over the fire to get it warm. Then, drop the lizard into the fire. It’s going to be hot, so it’s best to wait for the fire to burn out before reaching for the lizard. Try to drop the lizard in a place where the stick won’t burn, however, if it does, you can always find another twig.
The lizard will get nice and black. Check to make sure it’s actually the lizard, and not a lump of charcoal. You can wait for your meal to cool, store it for later, or dig right in and burn your mouth. It’s really up to you.
I’ve heard that eating it black also has filtering properties, like activated carbon water filters. Maybe it will filter out all the toxins you introduced to it during the cooking process. It doesn’t hurt to overcook!
If you’re lacking a way to cook it, you can skip the cooking step entirely and eat it raw, bones and all. Alternatively—but this takes considerable time—leave the lizard out for a few months, and it will naturally cure over time. This gives it a unique flavor, but most people don’t have the luxury of waiting that long.
That’s it! That’s lizard-on-a-stick! This super simple meal is a sure-fire way to fill your belly, and empty it just as fast.
*Please note, I am not responsible for anything that may happen to you and your health if you actually try to eat this.