There has been a popular trend going around for authors to provide real-life recipes for the fictional foods within their books. When I first heard about this, I thought it was pure genius. Who wouldn’t want to experience the world for themselves? When your mouth salivates while reading, why not take the next step and fulfill that need to eat?
I haven’t written too many meals into my stories, but let me tell you, they certainly are meals not to forget! The main character, Paul, has to eat because he’s not a robot, and he has some interesting tastes. But most of the time his options are limited. Either way, I’ve written out the perfect recipe so you can feel right at home within the wasteland I’ve created. So I present to you:
Moldy Millet Bread
To start out, set aside as much water as you can afford in a bowl-like container, and heat using any methods available to you. Or leave it in the sun. But be mindful of evaporation. You’ll need 3 parts water to 2 parts flour.
Next, time to find the oldest millet you can find. Forgot a jar in the back of your cupboard for 30 years? Looted your childhood neighbor’s house and found a secret stash? Your doomsday-prepping grandfather saved up on the essentials? Well, it’s time to put that millet to good use!
Put the Millet in a bowl, if you can find one, or just pour it into a pile on a flat-ish boulder of your choice. Proceed to crush the millet into a powder using a rock. Dried out creek beds have some of the best rocks. If using a boulder, and the millet falls off the edge, no worries, just scoop it back up and continue crushing. A little sand only creates a unique texture. The kids will love it!
With the water you could spare, mix everything together. If water is limited, spit in the mixture to add moisture. A little sweat can do the trick too if it’s a really hot day, plus it adds a salty aftertaste. Mm mm mm! If worse comes to worse, add a little blood, preferably from an animal and not a human. This will greatly change the flavor, but is great for anemics.
Stir the mixture rapidly if you have the strength. Do this over medium heat. Letting it sit in the sun will probably be enough still, but if you need a boost, use a piece of broken glass to focus a beam of light onto it. The dough will begin to clump together like magic. A great way to impress your friends, or that special someone. If it never clumps, don’t worry, it’s edible all-the-same.
Once it forms a single mass that stays together, it’s done! . . . Almost. Now for the fun part. Let it sit in a protected place where no critters can get to it. It’s best to go off and do something else for a while and forget about it. Some people like to pass out in the sun. If you wake up, continue doing other non-important things for a few days. Moping about your poor fortune is totally acceptable.
If you remember to check on it, give it a peek to see if any weird colors or fuzzy growths are starting to form. If not, go distract yourself with bandits or some other fun activity. When an appropriate amount of mold has grown to your desired coverage, it’s ready to serve. I really recommend experimenting with this last step. See if you can get different colors to grow, or if they’ll start forming towers! You can get some really unique flavors and patterns depending on how long you wait.
And that’s it! That’s moldy millet bread. This super simple meal is a sure-fire way to fill your belly, and empty it just as fast.
*Please note, I am not responsible for anything that may happen to you and your health if you actually try to eat this.